In 2008 I wrote and posted this seven-part, self-directed Ethical Will Course. I felt it was time to bring it back and make it available to those of you who may have missed it the first time…Read more.
Posted in Courses, Ethical will, How to, Writing
Tagged creating, Ethical will, Ethical will course, How to, Religion and Spirituality, step-by-step guide, values, Writing
“My friends, love is better than anger.
Hope is better than fear.
Optimism is better than despair.
So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic.
And we’ll change the world.”
~ Jack Layton, (1950-2011) MP and Leader of the Official Opposition, Canada
These were the inspirational closing words of a farewell letter to Canadians written by Jack Layton days before he died on August 22nd.
While not known widely outside his native land, Layton held a special place of affection and admiration for Canadians. This could be seen in the unprecedented outpouring of sorrow during a week that culminated in his state funeral on August 27th in Toronto.
Globe and Mail columnist Sandra Martin in her article Why a farewell letter can comfort and inspire wrote:
Jack Layton wasn’t the first person to send a public deathbed letter to friends, colleagues and supporters and he won’t be the last…Memories fade or become altered with time, but a letter is a literary document that retains its original text and ensures that your words– rather than somebody else’s interpretation of them–are passed on…Writing a farewell letter, even in conjunction with others, forces you to think deeply and hard about the message you want to send and how you to express it… For mourners, the letter can become a talisman. You can carry it in your pocket, consult it when grief wallops you, and reread it like a gospel to help you make decisions in keeping with the deceased’s wishes.
Reading Martin’s article, I was reminded of the value of these “legacy” letters. Even if we’re not dying, a legacy letter, sometimes called an ethical will, can be a source of comfort for those who will one day be left behind. I’ve written about ethical wills in a previous article What Do Sidney Poitier and Ethical Wills Have In Common?
For those of you interested in writing your own or in teaching others to write an ethical will, check out my free Ethical Will Course here.
Have you written your legacy letter yet?
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In 2008 I wrote and posted this seven-part, self-directed Ethical Will Course. I felt it was time to bring it back and make it available to those of you who may have missed it the first time.
Photo by Caitlin Heller
If you enjoyed this post, get free updates by email.
Posted in Ethical will, Ethical Will Course
Tagged Ethical will course, How to, Writing
If you’ve been working each week on your ethical will, you’ll have filled up a good many pages in your notebook. This week it’s time to put it all together.
Here’s what I’d suggest you do:
I hope you’ve found these past few weeks worthwhile and enjoyable. If you’ve any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me and I’ll try my best to help you.
Photo by Caitlin Heller
Posted in Ethical will, How to, Writing
Tagged Ethical will course, final draft, Writing
This week you have an opportunity to look back and reflect on the regrets and achievements in your life. After that we’ll focus on your hopes for the future and the hopes you have for those you love.
Regrets
Writing about regrets can help you understand the circumstances that led to the regret and hopefully provide you with some insight. Regrets are inevitable but take some comfort in knowing that we’ve all made some major blunders in our life, so you’re not alone.
In his book No Regrets, Dr. Hamilton Beazley, lists 10 steps to letting go of regrets and the very first step is to write them down.
Exercise: In your ethical will notebook, find a blank page and at the top write the heading “Regrets”. As you look back on your life make a list of your regrets. Don’t worry if some are seemingly insignificant – put them down anyway. For example, one of my regrets is that I never learned to swim. Now this isn’t huge and if I really wanted to, I could enroll in a swimming class for adults. What’s important is that you just begin the process of listing regrets.
Look at your list and select one or two regrets that you consider to be significant. Write about this regret and what you’ve learned and attempt to put it in some perspective. As an example, in my ethical will I wrote,
One of my regrets in life is that I never pursued my belief that I had the potential to be a television or radio host. I’m a natural in front of an audience and my publicity appearances on TV and radio have always been fun. I loved the energy involved. What I know though is that had I pursued that avenue so many other doors would have been closed. I would never have made the films I have and most likely wouldn’t be a personal historian, something I truly love. Besides, if I still have the “bug” I can find avenues to satisfy my interest. Who knows, maybe I’ll host a Community Radio or Television program on “Life after 50.”
Achievements
The Miriam-Webster Dictionary defines achievement as a result gained by effort. The result can be big or small. It’s the effort that counts. What I want you to consider in this section are your achievements. Our lives may have been filled with prominent achievements or unheralded ones. This is an opportunity to write about what you consider important. My mother believed her main achievements were running a well organized home, being a loving wife and mother and producing the best pastries in the neighborhood.
Exercise:Turn to another blank page in your notebook and write the heading, “Achievements.” To help you reflect on your most important achievements, try answering this question. If you were to be honored for one thing in your life, what would it be? Another way of looking at achievements is to look at what you hope your obituary will one day say about you.
Hopes
One of my favorite quotes about hope is by American writer Barbara Kingsolver. “The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope.”
Exercise: Find a blank page in your ethical will notebook and at the top write, “Hopes.” What is it that you hope for? How have you lived inside your hope? What do you hope for your loved ones?
Some books you might find helpful:
Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda: Overcoming Regrets, Mistakes, and Missed Opportunities
Finding Hope: Ways to See Life in a Brighter Light
Maximum Achievement: Strategies and Skills That Will Unlock Your Hidden Powers to Succeed
Next week the conclusion of our Ethical Will series, Part Seven ~ Putting It All Together
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Posted in Ethical will, How to, Tips
Tagged achievements, Ethical will course, hopes, How to, regrets, Tips
It’s appropriate that this week’s ethical will article is about forgiveness. At sundown on Monday, September 22nd, Rosh Hashanah began, one of Judaism’s High Holidays. It’s a ten day observation that amongst other things is a time for introspection, asking for forgiveness and giving forgiveness.
All of the world’s major faith’s include forgiveness as a principle tenet.
Buddhism ~ To understand everything is to forgive everything. (Buddha)
Christianity ~ Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
Islam ~ Keep to forgiveness, and enjoin kindness. ( Qur’an 7:199-200)
Judaism ~ When asked by an offender for forgiveness, one should forgive with a sincere mind and a willing spirit. . . forgiveness is natural to the seed of Israel. (w:Mishneh Torah, w:Teshuvah 2:10)
Implicit in these admonitions is the realization that an important foundation of a healthy individual and society is an avoidance of anger and revenge. Today ‘s medical researchers are also discovering that forgiveness has positive health benefits. Katherine M. Piderman, Ph.D., staff chaplain at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minnesota, lists thirteen benefits from practicing forgiveness.
It’s important to remember that forgiveness is not forgetting or condoning bad behavior. You may never be able to forget someone’s unwarranted actions. But forgiveness can release you from the grip of resentment and thoughts of revenge.
An ethical will is a place where you can not only forgive others but can also ask forgiveness for hurtful actions on your part. Forgiveness is not easy. It is a slow process that begins by reflecting on how a particular action has made you feel and your commitment to work toward forgiveness. You can find out more about this process at Learning to Forgive and The Forgiveness Institute
Exercise One: Take your ethical will notebook and turn to a blank page. At the top write “Forgiveness”. It may strengthen your “forgiveness muscle” by doing a little warm up exercising. For the next seven days, at the end of each day, write down a list of incidents that occurred to you that you’ll forgive. They can be trivial or serious. And don’t forget to forgive yourself for mistakes you might make. Here’s a sample list:
Day One –
* I forgive the driver that tailgated me.
* I forgive the rude clerk in the grocery store.
* I forgive myself for being late for an appointment.
* I forgive my friend for forgetting my birthday.
As you write down each of your forgiveness items, take a deep breath and as you exhale let go of any lingering anger or judgment. Remind yourself that the past has passed. Focus on the present knowing that clinging to old grievances will do nothing but keep you unhappy.
Exercise two: Make a list of all the times you can think of where you have wronged various people in your life. Now at the bottom of your list write the following, “I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. With the wisdom of hindsight I would have behaved differently. That was the past. Now I forgive myself for my actions and move on.”
Exercise three: Take time to reflect on the years you’ve known the person to whom your writing your ethical will. Recall any incidents where you still harbor some grievance towards that person for something that was done to you. Now write the following, “With all my heart I want to express my forgiveness for the time when…….” For example, “With all my heart I want to express my forgiveness for the time when you challenged my decision to leave my corporate job and become self-employed.”
As well as giving forgiveness you may wish to seek forgiveness from this same individual. Again think of times when you may have wronged that person. Now write, “Please forgive me for the time(s) when……..” For example, “Please forgive me for the times when I’ve not acknowledged your help with my parents. I’m truly sorry.”
Check out the following books for more help.
Forgive for Good by Dr. Fred Luskin
Forgive and Forget by Lewis B. Smedes
The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness and Peace by Jack Kornfield
Next week in our Ethical Will series, Part Six ~ Regrets, Achievements and Hopes.
Photo by Hamed Saber
Posted in Ethical will, How to, Tips, Writing
Tagged Ethical will course, forgiveness, health benefits, How to, Tips, Writing
An important aspect of an ethical will is being able to share with others the life lessons we’ve learned over the years. Why is this important? To begin with it’s useful to reflect on how much wisdom we’ve actually gained from our experiences. Some of our most profound lessons learned come from the so-called “bad” events in our lives. For me, at the tender age of twelve, I lost my dear dog, Mickey. It was a devastating event. We had been inseparable. From that and the loss of another dear friend years later, I eventually learned that nothing remains constant. Everything changes and no matter how much we may love another intensely it cannot stop the inevitable – their death. Today, a life lesson I know from experience is that we must live and love each day as if it may be our last.
Sharing our life lessons with others permits them to understand what guides us. And I think it’s also a way for people to begin to reflect on their own lessons learned. For the young our ethical will can provide a living example of the power of life experiences to teach us wisdom.
Exercise: Turn to a blank page in your ethical will notebook and at the top write, “Life Lessons.” Now use each of the following prompts below to write down your lessons learned. Some of these may not apply to you. Skip those and move on to the next. Remember that you’ll eventually transfer your notes to the front of your notebook when you finalize your ethical will at the end of the series. As with my personal example above, try to give the background story to a lesson you’ve learned.
From my father I’ve learned….
From my mother I’ve learned….
From my favorite teacher I’ve learned….
From my best friend I’ve learned….
From my work life I’ve learned….
From my (partner, spouse) I’ve learned….
From my children I’ve learned….
From my brother I’ve learned….
From my sister I’ve learned….
From my neighbor I’ve learned….
From my cat I’ve learned….
From my dog I’ve learned….
From old age I’ve learned…
What I’ve learned from failure is….
What I’ve learned from success is….
What I’ve learned from my faith is….
Watch next week for Part Five ~ Expressing Forgiveness.
Photo by Todd Baker
Posted in Ethical will, How to
Tagged Ethical will course, How to, life lessons, wisdom
This week’s post is about gratitude. Why bother including this in your ethical will? Here are several good reasons:
Preparing your ethical will is a wonderful opportunity to reflect on what you’ve been given by others. And examining in detail all that you’ve been given generates a natural feeling of gratitude. So, let’s begin work on this week’s ethical will exercise.
Exercise: Take your ethical will notebook and turn to the next available blank page. At the top write the heading “Gratitude.” The notes you write here will eventually become part of your final ethical will draft.
Now write the following sentence. “What I have received from… (insert the name of the person to whom you’re writing your ethical will)..is….”
Here’s an example. Writing of my mother I said, “What I have received from my mom is her unconditional love, her support and encouragement when I needed it, the importance of politeness, consideration and grace and the value of loyalty.”
What are the things that you’ve received? When you’ve compiled your notes take time to go back and for each item expand upon it so that it’s phrased as an expression of gratitude. Keep in mind that when you write about gratitude it’s best if you explain a specific incident that illustrates why you’re grateful.
Example. Continuing with my mom I wrote, “I’m ever grateful for your support and encouragement when I’ve needed it. When I was beginning my career as a documentary filmmaker many years ago, you were not only one of my early “fans” but you came to my financial rescue on several occasions. Without your support I know I may never have succeeded.”
The idea is to provide substance and detail to your expressions of gratitude. Don’t just say, “I’m grateful for your love.” Rather, say something like,”I’m grateful for your love. I know that there are days when I’m too exhausted from work to feel much like talking. You’ve always been sensitive to that and given me the space I need. Thank you for that. It has meant so much.”
You may want to continue your exploration of gratitude and discover the benefits that can accrue to you. One suggestion is to keep a “Gratitude Journal.” At the end of each day write down at least five things you’re grateful for that day. I find it’s also useful to add a reason after each thing you’re grateful for. For example, “I’m grateful for the comfortable bed I sleep on because so many are homeless and sleep on the street.” And here’s an important point. The things you’re grateful for don’t have to be “earth shattering.” They can be simple things that make your life worthwhile….like a comfortable bed.
Robert A. Emmons, professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis, is one of the foremost authorities on the topic of gratitude in North America. He has said,
... it’s important to stress that gratitude is really a choice. It doesn’t depend upon circumstances or genetic wiring or something that we don’t have control over. It really becomes an attitude that we can choose that makes life better for ourselves and for other people… When things go well gratitude enables us to savor things going well. When things go poorly gratitude enables us to get over those situations and to realize they are temporary.
You might find these two books by Emmons useful additions to your library, Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier and Words of Gratitude for Mind, Body, and Soul
Next week watch for Ethical Wills 101: Part Four ~ Life Lessons Learned.
Posted in Ethical will, How to, Tips
Tagged Ethical will course, gratitude, How to, Tips
In Part One I wrote about getting started on your ethical will. In Part Two we’ll look at how to discover our values.
What are values? The American Heritage Dictionary describes a value as: A principle, standard, or quality considered worthwhile or desirable. And believe it or not Elvis Presley said, Values are like fingerprints. Nobody’s are the same, but you leave ‘em all over everything you do.
I like to think of values as a part of our DNA. For each person they are unique. They explain what motivates us, what angers us, what we cherish. Knowing our values gives us a clue as to who we are. Our values develop over time and are shaped by our parents, teachers, community and religious affiliation.
So how do we uncover our real values? Let’s start with three simple exercises. These are not meant to tell you what your values should be, they simply provide a way to discover what your values are.
Exercise one: Open your ethical will notebook that you started last week. Leave a few blank pages from the first page where you wrote your introduction. These will be the pages on which you’ll write the final draft of your ethical will. After these few blank pages write the heading, “My Values.”
Think of a best friend and the qualities you admire in that person. For me, the qualities I admire in my friend are loyalty, humor, dedication, fairness, and honesty. Now take a moment and write down the qualities you admire in your friend. As you look at your list, ask yourself, “Would these qualities describe me as well?” Chances are most of them would. And why? Because we make friends with people who tend to share the same values as ourselves.
Here’s another exercise to try:
Exercise two: Ask yourself, “What are some things that really tick me off?” For me, pomposity, impoliteness, and arrogance get me pretty steamed. So what are the things that can really upset you? Take a moment to write down your list. Within this list you’ll find good clues to some important values you hold. When a value that’s important to us gets stepped on or violated it upsets us. Let me illustrate using my own example. Pomposity goes against my value of unpretentiousness. Impoliteness violates my value of politeness and arrogance assaults my value of humbleness.
Try this next exercise to unearth some more of your values.
Exercise three: Write down at least three things that give you real pleasure and joy. For example, for me that would be:
- Discovering new things and learning new stuff.
- Witnessing a magnificent sunset.
- Seeing a dear friend after a long absence.
What are some of the things that bring you pleasure? After you’ve compiled your list take a look at each item and see if you can pull out some of the underlying values. For example, my pleasure in discovering new things and learning new stuff taps into my values of learning and exploration. My joy at seeing a beautiful sunset links to my values of beauty and spirituality. And seeing an old friend connects with my valuing friendship.
By now you should be developing a pretty good list of some of your core values. If you want to explore this topic in more depth consider these books: What Matters Most : The Power of Living Your Values and Values Clarification
You may want to reflect on your list and see if some other values of yours come to mind. Perhaps there are some important values that you have missed in your list. Remember these are your personal values not your parents’ or your society’s.
The next step. Put your values into a sentence that will become a part of your ethical will. Using myself as an example, I’d take my values recorded above and write, “Some of the values that have guided me over the years have been loyalty, humor, dedication, fairness, honesty, unpretentiousness, politeness, humbleness, beauty, spirituality and friendship.”
If you want to add some “meat” to your list try taking one or two of your most cherished values and recount a personal story that illustrates how these values were put to use in your life. If you need some inspirational guidance check out This I Believe: The Personal Philosophies of Remarkable Men and Women
That’s it for Part Two. I hope you found this worthwhile and fun at the same time. Don’t forget to return next week for Part Three ~ Expressing Gratitude.
In an earlier post I wrote about the importance of ethical wills. Today, I’m beginning a series on how to write
one.
Writing your ethical will is about reflection. It’s about taking the time to sit back and really reflect on who you are. Now some of you may have had plenty of time to do that already. Others of you may find it hard to squeeze yet one more thing into a busy day. Not to worry. When I wrote my ethical will my “hair was on fire”. Believe me, if I could do it then you can do it now. Here’s how I’d suggest you begin.
Good luck in getting started! Next week I’ll bring you Part Two ~ Discovering Our Values.
Photo by Caitlin Heller
Posted in Ethical will, How to, Tips, Writing
Tagged Ethical will course, How to, reflection
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